Over the last couple of weeks, we’ve discussed what it means to be a trauma-informed leader and how it important it is to effectively engage and support your teams while also creating a culture of accountability. If you’re reading this, I’d hazard a guess that this sounds like something that you’re interested in. The big question is – how do we know when we’re ready to be trauma-informed leaders?
I remember the first time I was promoted into a leadership position. I was working at a small non-profit and was assigned two direct reports. I was excited about the opportunity to make a greater impact on my organization, yet also a bit nervous, not quite knowing what I was getting myself into. I had never received any official leadership training, but I was a bright-eyed optimist, excited to dig in and get started. Everything went fine for the first couple of months. I had good relationships with my team members and things seemed to be running smoothly.
Then one day, one of my team members came in, visibly upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me about some conflicts she was experiencing with her teammate. She felt like her teammate was slacking off and she was picking up additional responsibilities to cover for her. She thought it was an unfair situation where her peer was not being held accountable. She didn’t outright say it, but it was clear that she was also frustrated with me for letting it happen.
I froze.
I thought things were going along well. I had no idea that she was frustrated and upset. Weren’t we all friends? Why hadn’t this come up before? I thought that if I was just nice and friendly with everyone, there would never be any problems.
I was wrong.
As leaders, we all run into situations that are personally challenging for us. For me, this was that type of situation. If you know me, you know that I hate it when people are unhappy, especially when it’s because I made a mistake or missed something. I shut down and had to come back to the conversation later. It was at that moment that I realized two things. First, being a leader is a lot more involved than completing a task or making people happy. Second, I bring my whole self to the leadership role. I bring the parts of me that are highly competent and professional. I also bring the parts of me that hate conflict, struggle to say the right thing at the right time, and have an overwhelming desire to please my team members.
Becoming a trauma-informed leader can sound both exciting and daunting. It’s safe to say that most of us want to work in an environment driven by safety, trust, and connection. However, becoming a trauma-informed leader requires that we step into a place of self-reflection, accountability, and vulnerability that can take us completely out of our comfort zone. When I started thinking about what it really meant to be a trauma-informed leader, I realized that my own personal history heavily impacted how I responded to various situations. I remember a challenging time when one of my senior team members strongly and loudly disagreed with a decision that I made about the best use of space. As someone who experienced real anxiety over conflict, it took everything I had to not give in and let them have their way – even though I was confident it wasn’t the best decision for the organization. As someone who has historically been a “people pleaser”, my personal life experiences were affecting who I was as a leader and were threatening to cloud my judgment. I learned an important lesson that day: we must understand our own stories before we can begin to understand the stories of our team members.
Preparing to Become a Trauma-Informed Leader
Before embarking on the process of becoming a trauma-informed leader, it is useful to personally reflect on your own life experiences and how they impact you as a leader to ensure that you’re in the appropriate emotional space to fully engage in this process. There are two steps to do this – conducting an emotional self-assessment and crafting a personal trauma-informed leader commitment statement.
Conducting an Emotional Self-Assessment
To truly be a trauma-informed leader, we need to take a deep dive into our own strengths, challenges, vulnerabilities, and fears. Take some quiet time to sit down and reflect on the following questions. It can help to type them on a computer or write them in a journal.
· What is my leadership story? How did I become the leader that I am today? What was my first opportunity as a leader? How did my various roles come together to inform the type of leader that I am now?
· What have I learned from my leaders? Did I learn strategies that I would want to emulate? If so, what were they? Alternatively, how did my previous leaders inform how I do NOT want to lead?
· What do I love most about being a leader? What tasks do I feel energized and excited about? What would I do all day if I could?
· What do I find most challenging about being a leader? What types of tasks do I avoid? Why do I avoid them?
· What types of tasks do I DREAD. These are different than the ones in the previous question. These are the tasks or activities that make you want to quit your job or just not show up one day because you are so incredibly uncomfortable doing them.
· For those activities that you dread, why do you dread them?
Dig deep into truly understanding this one because I can guarantee you that there is more beneath the surface. One helpful activity is the “Ask Why 5 times” activity. In this activity, you ask 5 “Why” questions starting with, “Why do I dread this activity?” and write down the answer. From there, ask “Why” again and do it four more times. Here’s an example from my own personal experience:
Activity: Having a difficult conversation with a team member.
Why #1: Why do I dread this activity?
Answer #1: Because I’m afraid that the team member will become angry or sad.
Why #2: Why am I afraid that the team member will become angry or sad?
Answer #2: Because I hate it when there is conflict.
Question #3: Why do I hate this type of conflict?
Answer #3: Because I get flustered and freeze and have a hard time figuring out what to say in the moment.
Why #4: Why do I have a hard time knowing what to say in the moment?
Answer #4: Because I feel like the situation is scary and unsafe.
Why #5: Why is the situation scary and unsafe?
Answer #5: Because it reminds me of times when I was a child, and I couldn’t use my voice.
You could keep going further in this line of questioning to get at the root of the fear. This type of deep dive can be incredibly uncomfortable and requires us to acknowledge parts of ourselves that we’d prefer to avoid. The first time I did this activity in one of my workshops, participants initially expressed some discomfort. However, after completing the activity, nearly everyone shared how valuable an experience it was in helping them understand a little bit more about why they dreaded certain activities, which made them dread them less! Yes, it’s uncomfortable. But I’d argue that it’s necessary.
For some, the questions in the self-assessment might be enough to enable us to be present and connected with our team in each moment. For others, it might take more time, potentially with the assistance of a mental health professional.
Make a Personal Leadership Commitment
After completing your self-assessment, the next step is to make a personal leadership commitment based on what you have uncovered during the self-assessment process. This statement should include specific commitments that you make to address the parts of leadership that you find most difficult. In the example above, I had a difficult time having hard conversations because it reminds me of a time when I was younger and unable to use my voice. A commitment statement would then include some language about preparing for difficult conversations by finding my voice and acknowledging that I have a right to speak with their team member about something that is challenging. It might look something like this:
As a leader, I am committed to engaging in trauma-informed leadership by acknowledging my biases, continuously assessing the areas in which I am challenged in this work and leaning into difficult situations to create spaces characterized by safety, connectedness, vulnerability, and belonging. I will lean in during the moments of potential conflict that I find most challenging because I understand that these moments are critical for developing the type of work environment that I am aspiring to create.
Take time to craft a statement that rings true FOR YOU. Write it on a post it and put it on your computer so you can see it every day to remind you about what you are trying to accomplish.
In the end, it is not easy to become a trauma-informed leader. It requires us to show up, be fully present, have insight into our own personal challenges and be accountable to engage with those challenges on a consistent basis. The good news is that, as leaders, the process of engaging in this type of self-reflection can serve as a role model for our staff. This can give them both the permission and motivation to engage in these processes themselves. As a result, this step can play a key role in transforming our organizational culture into one that is characterized by safety, belonging, and trust.
What did I miss? Comment below.
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