One of the things that I have noticed throughout the literature on leadership is that it is focused on things like being an effective leader or stepping up to the plate to support your staff members. While these topics are well and good (and critical to becoming a strong leader), very few of them talk about who we are as human beings who experience human emotions that can get in the way of using the trauma-informed strategies that we have learned. In our efforts to be trauma-informed, we are going to run into truly challenging situations that may trigger us. Therefore, before we do a deep dive into each of the Four Pillars of Trauma-Informed Leadership™, we are going to spend this week talking about concrete strategies that you can use in the moment when you find a situation challenging. Next week, we will take a step back and talk about ways to prevent burnout more broadly.
In the movie, “The Proposal” with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds (and the incomparable Betty White), Sandra Bullock plays Margaret Tate, a strong-willed, high-powered book editor who forces her assistant (Ryan Reynolds) to marry her to stay in the United States. In one of the early scenes, we see Margaret take down one of her male employees with fearless authority, even while he spouts negative comments towards her. We find out later that Margaret, after that interaction with her employee, went into the bathroom and cried. What I love about this scene is the humanness of it. It was one of the first cracks we see in Bullock’s character, understanding that her behavior was just a façade and that she’s human, just like the rest of us.
When I was younger, I imagined that to be a leader, I needed to be somewhat like Margaret Tate’s exterior – tough, quick thinking, well-spoken, and impenetrable. As someone who grew up highly sensitive, especially to criticism and conflict, it seemed like that would be impossible for me. As I started moving into leadership positions, I continued to feel like an imposter – much more sensitive and affected than other people. How on earth would I make a good leader? Over time and interactions with other leaders, I began to learn that all the leaders that I knew were much more like the more emotionally available aspects of Bullock’s character – vulnerable, sensitive, and affected by events in our workplace and tough interactions with our staff members.
As a leader, we are all impacted by events in our workplace, even if we don’t want to admit it. These include having to performance manage staff, dealing with conflict and difficult conversations, and implementing policies and practices that we don’t always agree with. I spent years trying to deny the human aspect of leadership, hoping that I could just do what the books told me. Turns out, it isn’t the denial of those aspects of ourselves that creates great leaders, it is embracing those very same qualities. I’ve seen so many leaders try to project a hard, unaffected exterior, to fit this vision of leadership. However, that exterior is likely to shatter when we are faced with tough experiences or must repeatedly deal with situations that we dread.
In an earlier blog post, we discussed preparing yourself to become a trauma-informed leader. If you haven’t reviewed that post, I highly encourage you to do it now. In that post, I asked you to take a deep dive into understanding the situations you dread as a leader – the things that keep you up at night and make you want to call-in sick the next day. Recently, I was doing this exercise during a workshop, and one of the participants felt herself start to get activated, as it reminded her of a time that was traumatic and/or stressful for her. I found this example to be very powerful because it didn’t take much for that experience to surface for her – it was just sitting there, waiting for something to remind her of the triggering event. As leaders, we are often walking through our jobs, potentially vulnerable to being triggered by what occurs to us. If we push down or deny those triggers, they will just find another way to emerge – either externally to the employee, or internally in the form of anxiety and depression.
For these reasons, I think it’s critically important for leaders to first understand that running into situations at work that remind them of trauma or severe stressors they have experienced in their own lives is inevitable. Therefore, we need to have a system in place to help manage those difficult feelings when they come up. One tool we can utilize in these moments is “Pause-Reset-Nourish”.
The Pause-Reset-Nourish (PRN) Framework
Pause-Reset-Nourish (PRN) is a simple framework designed to help us rebalance our nervous system when a stressful event occurs. It can be done by anyone at any time. Just as a PRN is a prescription of a medication that can be given to help clients in acute distress as needed, the PRN framework can help us manage acute distress when we need it. Here’s an overview of the framework:
· PAUSE: Take a moment to pause and check in with your internal experiences or how your body is feeling now. The emotional center of your brain that triggers the fight-flight-freeze-fawn response is likely getting activated. The moment we take a second to check-in on our emotional state, we begin the process of moving from our emotional brain to our cognitive brains. That’s the part of our brain that can help us with problem solving and prevent us from going off the handle. Take your hands and place them on your stomach, taking a slow conscious (diaphragmatic) breath to check on how you are feeling inside. Repeat this at least 3 times. As you become more aware of what is happening inside your body, you might realize that you are anxiously ruminating over something, holding stress or tension in different parts of the body, or having intense emotions (e.g., frustration, anger, anxiety). Click to watch a demonstration of the 4-7-8 technique or the square breathing technique.
· RESET: Actively do something to help you feel steadier, more calm, confident, or focused on your next task. Be kind to yourself and remember that these are difficult times. When you sense you are ruminating or your mind is full, try to reset by having a quiet moment and continuing slow breathing, meditation, practicing mindfulness, petting an animal, taking a brief walk outside, or looking at a photo that puts a smile on your face. When negative experiences are overwhelming you, try to reset by focusing on a positive thing that happened or an affirmation, sharing gratitude, watching a short funny video or meme, talking with a colleague, or practicing grounding. When unsure of how you are feeling but recognize you are uncentered, try to reset by observing the feeling, acknowledging it, and letting it pass through your mind like it is on a conveyor belt. Accepting the current situation allows us to acknowledge our desire for things to be different than they are. When you become critical of yourself, try to reset by interrupting those thoughts with self-compassion or talking to yourself as if you were a caring supportive friend. Create a list of easily accessible activities that you find most calming so that you can utilize them whenever you experience a stressful event.
· NOURISH: Soak in something positive that replenishes your mind-body-heart-soul-or spirit. Turn your focus towards something that helps you remember your own strength and resilience or reminds you to take time to tend to yourself. You may ask yourself, “What do I need to nourish myself right now?” Think about something that has been rewarding or meaningful at work or at home. You might remind yourself of why you got into this profession, how you helped someone, or a meaningful moment with your family or loved ones. Consider affirmations or reminders that help you feel prepared to deal with the stress or challenges you are facing; this may help you harness your own strength and resilience. Consider engaging in moments of playfulness, light-heartedness, and creating meaningful social connections with others. This might include enjoying a family activity; laughing, singing, or chanting; dancing, or other ways that bring you joy; engaging in meaningful cultural practices or rituals; connecting with a significant other or a beloved pet; celebrating a success at work or with loved ones; or doing something for others in need (donating time for charity, baking for a neighbor). Create a list of those activities so that they are easily accessible to you in moments of stress.
Once you have some time away from the situation, you will be surprised at how much clearer and more centered you are, which translates in having greater capacity to manage difficult situations in a thoughtful way. This allows us to show up the way that we want and to know that the present isn’t the past. We can do hard things, we do them all the time.
What are some ways that you have learned to help you manage a difficult situation in the moment? I would love to hear them in the comments below.
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